Monday, March 26, 2007

How it is...



Love perfected and whole, you arrive.
Words throng my soul but none come out.
A traveler meets his joy and his despair at once.
Dying of thirst, I stand here with spring waterflowing
around my feet.





~ by Maulana Jalalu'ddin Rumi

Sunday, March 25, 2007

In Form



My dear friend L~ is engaged in the largest transformation of her life as I write.


Let me begin by saying that this is one woman who is ACtivated and ALive and conscious and has been an amazing sister and teacher to me.


She is the woman I go to as my Spiritual and Universal Confidant, I look to her in how to walk in this world and know that she looks right back at me


And in this moment she is beginning to give birth


She has stepped into this role wide eyed and electric


She knows she has what it takes to bring it forth and give and serve and nurture


She has been preparing for it her whole life


I love you Lenira, I will be over here holding you and lighting the way.


This is for you, I heard you and I am reposting it as you so lovingly sent it to us a while ago



I AM conciousness in form.......witnessing this experience...



I know that the path before me is wide open...
I walk in joy and beauty where ever I go...
My vision is clear and I see the truth of love hiding behind every veil...
I keep my heart soft and open.....
I am gentle and loving with this body, heart, mind...



I observe the rising and passing of thoughts, feelings and sensations with love and compassion....


I celebrate this body vehicle....exactly as it is....RIGHT NOW...


I express myself with clarity and kindness...
I know that when I speak from my heart I am heard....regardless of how others respond.
My entire being is infused with a pure light that others recognize and respond to with loving kindness and appreciation...
I care for myself with the same tenderness that a loving parent cares for their child with...
When challenging situations arise in my life,
I relax and trust that everything is working out for everyones best interest, encluding my own...
Even when I dont' exactly understand the how and the why of it all,
I know that everything is happening for the greater good....
I walk the razors edge of loving connection and non-attatchment...
always, here and now....
I allow life and LOVE to inhale me and exhale me fully....
with every inhale I stretch and open to recieve....
and with every exhale I release and let go.....
In the infinite spiral of life I see that every end is a beginning and every beginning is an end....
and in fact, there is no beginning or end to anything....
There is just an infinite stream of beingness that flows threw me as freely and as joyously as I allow it to.....
I live each moment TOTALLY....as if it were the very last....
and like a beautifully opening flower dancing in a golden meadow,
I celebrate my here and now.....bending with grace and ease in the changing winds of life...
I welcome the sun and the wind...the rain and the rainbows........



I take every opportunity to show my love.....

and to express my gratitude....THANK YOU GOD IN ME!!!! NAMASTE.
It is very safe for me to express my vulnerability....and be real about my feelings and my needs...
I stand strong in my soft power...
And like a wild and free river I flow with life...
resisting nothing....at peace with everything...
sparkling and shinning with the lite of a billion suns...
happy just to be alive.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Sprung


Longest day of the year, indeed

Happy Spring!

If the winter solstice signals the birth of the sun, then the spring equinox exclaims the birth of the earth. The resurrection of nature from the dark death of winter. The life, which has stayed hidden, in exile or underground, during the long deep sleep of the season, now shifts and starts to stir. Poking andpeeking, it seeks the surface. The space. The air. The light.Striving, stretching skyward, life breaks new ground. Bulbs,shoots and buds burst forth from the earth, exploding open,exposing their tender green growth. The sweet sap rises.The birth waters break. The skies open. It rains, it pours, it mists,it drips fertilizing fluids from the heavens. The air is damp like a baby's bottom. The land is soaked. The mud, like mucous, likeafterbirth. The defrosting sodden soil is teeming, churning withevery creepy crawly thing that ever slithered out of a swamp.Hordes of birds descend, drawn by the juicy feast.


Animals awaken from their pregnant hibernations, skinny and starving and sucklingtheir young. Birds and beasts, alike, set out on a concerted feedingfrenzy, gorging themselves and their ravenous, insatiable, mouths-ever-open offspring.It is as if the great egg of the whole world has hatched.The egg, the symbol of life, of birth, has come over the millennia tosignify the season of spring. For it is then that the aspect of fertilityand rebirth within the cycle is so overwhelmingly evident. Clearly,the egg stands for spring.

The egg, in fact, stands at spring. Actually stands up on its end at the moment of the Vernal Equinox. Stands at attention as the sun crosses the equator into the northern hemisphere.Stands in salute to spring.

This was created by the lovely Mama Donna, my City Shaman

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Agreed...




Have you ever read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz ? I read this a few years ago and enjoyed it very much. It's simple in words, but not in practice. Enjoy!

Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Friday, March 16, 2007

I am almost ready to talk about it

It started as a joke

Rolling around the NY Times job ad's for my destiny
I applied cause I had a few free hours and thought it would be funny
I didn't think anything of it

Then two months later they invited me for an interview...a really intense phone interview. Didn't hear anything for a long time. Started a new job. Was honored they had even considered me.

Let me back up~

Last month I was invited to Cornell University to interview for a Counseling/Therapist position there. Let me start with this is my dream job, beyond my expectations. World class health center, incredible inspiring professionals, full spectrum of services to a diverse population.

The invitation was to come to Ithaca to interview, all expenses paid and would I please create a fourty minute clinical case presentation for fourty people? Choke gasp breathe.... sure. Of course. I had been waiting for this call for months. I applied back in December, and here it was, calling... knocking on my door. Dig if you will me teaching my sorry ass power point and creating a presentation, buying a suit (yes I did, I am really a grown up now... well, a XT version of a suit anyhow) and making travel arrangements all in under a week. I was a solider. I haven't worked that hard or put my passion into something like this... well.. maybe ever. Maybe applying to grad school, but I had a lot more time. Anyway...

The trip was amazing. My sis and I drove up. Rolling hills, farmlands, rivers and lakes, just pure unadulturated beauty. A far cry from the mini malls and power plants that has become my scenery here in the beautiful Garden State. Breezy (my sis) is such a power house. Such a bad ass. I call her *ON STAR* because even though she's never been somewhere she knows exactly where she was going. Anyway... Started with a pretty formal dinner with a few supervisors and the Director. Just amazing easy inspiring conversation. Easy. But thoughtful. I was careful but also very me. Totally put me at ease, these great minds who were pioneers and "mavericks" in our field. But my people. Super down to earth, whip smart, and funny funny funny.

Next day was a long one. Breakfast with my would be Supervisor, a PhD from Michigan, super relaxed and very accomplished. Made me at ease. Whipped out my presentation, the best I had ever performed it. Relaxed confident informed. Got incredible feedback. Can't believe that was me standing up there. Had a million other interviews after that including one with the Director of the whole health center, the daughter of the former President of Cornell. She was very wonderful as well. Loved loved loved the staff. Completely engaged and activated and ready to do this work. Social activists and multicultural pioneers. Dig it dig it. Went for a tour of the campus (just to die for gorgeous) and town, to show me "real estate" . Said they were "recruiting" me (Kinda like in "The Firm" but without the bad scary parts with a New England twist). Ended the night at an incredible dinner with a few of my maybe co-workers, having a much needed glass of wine and lots and lots of laughs. I could relax now... phew. Went back to my gorgeous hotel room and couldn't believe this was my life. Cornell was wooing me. Whoa.

It's not something I talk about a lot, but I know I work hard and I am good at what I do. It is a natural gift, a skill set, and something I have also worked hard to know and feel and study and do for the past 13 years. It is a big part of who I am, so to have this opportunity was to remind me that I have worked hard, reminded me of what I am worth. Not that I need Cornell to tell me this, because I have worked in mice and cockroach infested hotels doing the same work, and that feels just as worthy as well. To me, this was an opportunity to try something new. Take a breath. Work at a new level/model of providing services. I could care less about the Ivy League bleh bleh, if anything, this was a turn off. I wanted to bring the jewels of what I have learned from my TEACHERS who are my clients to them, to remind them of what is needed, what is important. Not the name or the degree, but the simple basic needs that we all miss in the drive to do what we think is important.

I had always wanted to work at a University or College and be a counselor. It's just a thriving community. I thrive in community. Ever since I was recruited by my own college counselor to be a Resident Advisor. I just knew I wanted her job. So this was big. big. big.

Cornell is just beautiful. Ithaca is dreamy. Small but big enough, liberal but diverse, multi cultural, co-ops health food stores yoga studios dance places thai food small art movie houses rolling hills gorgeous anciet buildings next to newer modern architecture clean air lakes lakes gorges water falls commuity gardens vineyards affordable housing..... I could go on and on.

Basically everything I have been manifesting that I need to come into my life. It's still hard to wrap around my brain... And then nothing. I heard nothing for four weeks. I didn't write about it because I am superstitious.

They had one more candidate after me to interview. Three in all. Three after months and months of advertising. Three. For a few weeks (now months since I have applied) I have been in limbo land. Literally. Do I plan my life here for a while? Join a gym? Start dating someone here?Or do I look for apartments in Ithaca. Get the moving vans ready.

Total stand still emotionally, trying to be in my new job in my new life yet maybe knowing I am moving into something else. See-Saw See-Saw. Indecision is deadly with a Virgo Intellect. Not knowing is our poison. We are planners. Do-ers. Knowers. It's been a challenge. But all in all I have been breezy and doing my thing. Phew.

All I have to say is that I am a very patient girl. I am really hungry to dig into this life of mine. I am present and living my life as it is now, but looking forward to manifest in ways that arn't about Jersey. As Jess says I am an Oak living a birds life. I need to nest. But where, but where, the journey continues.

I learned yesterday that I will not be going to Ithaca.

It was interesting timing.

I was having a day where I really felt like my job here is gonna be ok .At first when I was on the phone with the Director telling me they selected someone else, I was in shock. I was also really strung out on a dare to drink a Diet Mountain Dew (I am the health nut in the office and it was a dare, I felt like my clients all strung out...

I really thought this was it. Really I did. Last week though I started feelin like it wasn't gonna happen. And I know why it didn't. In terms of the team, they are trying to build up their diversity, Cornell is all about diversity right now, and even though I have been called "cocoa", I am still one more white girl in a field flooded with them. The director all but outed himself in telling me why I couldn't be there. " You are amazing and we thought your presentation was incredible, you are an excellent clinician" blah blah blah.

I understand this. I believe in the reasons why it is necessary to have a multicultural team. I would've done the same thing in their position, and I have in hiring in the past. But it still stings... I am frustrated that I put so much time and energy into manifesting this. I know I know, I already know what you are gonna say. "What a good experience" or "well, now you know what you really want". Thats all great n shit n thanks, but really I wonder why I put myself through these emotional gymastics to begin with.

Part of me is relieved though. The cold, the grey, of Ithaca. The suicide capital of the world. Not being able to be super compassionate to the Ivy league snobs. The whole frat element I have been avoiding foreva. ETc Etc Etc. This is what I am tellingmyself anyway.

I am grateful for my surprisingly good attitude though. I was having a day where I really felt like my job here is gonna be ok. Finally getting it. I didn't know if I would or not. For a while I didn't let myself thinking I might be moving on. But now it's good. Really liking the people, the commute is better. I can see Manhattan from my window. In my groove. I am here, for now.

I love my home. I love being able to leave my door open and have a walk around the lake and wear a skirt without remorse. I love that my Mom and brother can just stop over for dinner. Love spending time with Presley and having parking and I'm getting really good at shooting quarters into the toll booth. It's good stuff.

Then there's my fight or flight, ready to go back to SF. My mom said last night "Well, whats keeping us all here, lets go to California!". Are you shitting me? So see, there are a world of possiblilities. I am yearning for Omega too. It's a strong itch.

So yes, my wings are still on. And I am still trying to be patient and figure out where in the world I am supposed to be, while trying to be content and full where I actually am.

This is the gypsy way ~this, I am used to.

Labels:

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Kiss me I'm Irish

Your Leprechaun Name Is:
Sneaky Potfiller
which is so true!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Rawk *Star*





Spent the weekend in Pennsylvania with my parents which is so relaxing and easy, compared to the hustle and bustle of the metropolis I call home *right now*. My older sister Celeste is an accomplished musician and singer, and we had a chance to actually go and see her perform this weekend. She blows me away, she is so good. So comfortable too, and she's only been doing this for about two years. One day she just said "I wanna sing" and poof, she threw herself in to it, so dilligent, so diciplined, so talented. Goes to show if you want something bad you can do it with perserverance and hard work. Love her, love that, isn't she just gorgeous? She is to my right, Sue is to my left. People say we look a lot a like even though she is my "step" sister.

I love how my family uses music. My (step) brother Tony is a drummer, as is his step brother (his father re-married as well , a very functional dysfunctional family yes yes ) Chris Corsano just got a gig touring with Bjork (love her). My other brother Mike is very inclined as well with guitar and knowlege of punk etc. .. Sue is definately on her way to great things with her IPOD : ). And then there is me. My singing has been latent as of lately, except in my car where I am the best singer eva!

And because I haven't posted recently, here is Presley in his jacket that he hates cause he's feelin a bit round lately...needs to be walkin more I'm thinkin! So not the girl to dress the little dawg up, but it's cold ya'll....

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Scaffolding


(photo by tt)

Missin my peeps big right now

It's hard being here sometimes, especially with the time difference and hating the phone
feel very far away right now...

We are all going through some amazing changes

with L being so so preggers, and T being little preggers

Sara and London getting hitched Tameeza's finishing school N' big plans coming soon

Gali moving and etc and Jess and Rachel holding it down for Oaktown

Graceopenheart taking on her new position

Sue searching for a new job new life new directions

Mie and Katia raising their gorgeous creatures and being radiant beings

and all the countless others I love and know and miss dearly

and me

in a minute of limbo with hopefully some grand plans to announce soon

"Scaffolding"

this just comes to mind
for all of the changes the evolution the fruition
at least this is what I am feelin

get it?

such a UC Berkeley word
(I dated this guy once who also went there and I almost tore his clothes off just for knowing how to use the term)

this is where I am at

Just in case let me break it down:

There's this big dark cover over the building, and all these ladders and construction on the outside. It seems hectic and forboding.
It may look confusing and secretive on the surface,
you might not wanna walk too close
may peek through one of the air holes but it looks phrenetic and tossled

But when the big reveal happens, you won't be able to believe all of the shiny goodness
strong foundation big beautiful windows glimmering towers
and you'll know that all of the work was worth it

but see thats the deal

we are always being created we are always creating

a work in progress but perfect in all of the ways that we are

reaching for the next phase and glorious in this one

the trick is to be in it to win it

but know just know, that you have already won

thank you for your patience while I am under construction
love yous miss yous i am always with yous

Monday, March 05, 2007

Remember This


Autobiography in Five Chapters

1. I walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalkI fall in. I am lost.... I am hopeless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

2. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it.I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

3. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in... it's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

4. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

5. I walk down another street.

Nyoshul Khenpo