I am almost ready to talk about it

It started as a joke

Rolling around the NY Times job ad's for my destiny
I applied cause I had a few free hours and thought it would be funny
I didn't think anything of it

Then two months later they invited me for an interview...a really intense phone interview. Didn't hear anything for a long time. Started a new job. Was honored they had even considered me.

Let me back up~

Last month I was invited to Cornell University to interview for a Counseling/Therapist position there. Let me start with this is my dream job, beyond my expectations. World class health center, incredible inspiring professionals, full spectrum of services to a diverse population.

The invitation was to come to Ithaca to interview, all expenses paid and would I please create a fourty minute clinical case presentation for fourty people? Choke gasp breathe.... sure. Of course. I had been waiting for this call for months. I applied back in December, and here it was, calling... knocking on my door. Dig if you will me teaching my sorry ass power point and creating a presentation, buying a suit (yes I did, I am really a grown up now... well, a XT version of a suit anyhow) and making travel arrangements all in under a week. I was a solider. I haven't worked that hard or put my passion into something like this... well.. maybe ever. Maybe applying to grad school, but I had a lot more time. Anyway...

The trip was amazing. My sis and I drove up. Rolling hills, farmlands, rivers and lakes, just pure unadulturated beauty. A far cry from the mini malls and power plants that has become my scenery here in the beautiful Garden State. Breezy (my sis) is such a power house. Such a bad ass. I call her *ON STAR* because even though she's never been somewhere she knows exactly where she was going. Anyway... Started with a pretty formal dinner with a few supervisors and the Director. Just amazing easy inspiring conversation. Easy. But thoughtful. I was careful but also very me. Totally put me at ease, these great minds who were pioneers and "mavericks" in our field. But my people. Super down to earth, whip smart, and funny funny funny.

Next day was a long one. Breakfast with my would be Supervisor, a PhD from Michigan, super relaxed and very accomplished. Made me at ease. Whipped out my presentation, the best I had ever performed it. Relaxed confident informed. Got incredible feedback. Can't believe that was me standing up there. Had a million other interviews after that including one with the Director of the whole health center, the daughter of the former President of Cornell. She was very wonderful as well. Loved loved loved the staff. Completely engaged and activated and ready to do this work. Social activists and multicultural pioneers. Dig it dig it. Went for a tour of the campus (just to die for gorgeous) and town, to show me "real estate" . Said they were "recruiting" me (Kinda like in "The Firm" but without the bad scary parts with a New England twist). Ended the night at an incredible dinner with a few of my maybe co-workers, having a much needed glass of wine and lots and lots of laughs. I could relax now... phew. Went back to my gorgeous hotel room and couldn't believe this was my life. Cornell was wooing me. Whoa.

It's not something I talk about a lot, but I know I work hard and I am good at what I do. It is a natural gift, a skill set, and something I have also worked hard to know and feel and study and do for the past 13 years. It is a big part of who I am, so to have this opportunity was to remind me that I have worked hard, reminded me of what I am worth. Not that I need Cornell to tell me this, because I have worked in mice and cockroach infested hotels doing the same work, and that feels just as worthy as well. To me, this was an opportunity to try something new. Take a breath. Work at a new level/model of providing services. I could care less about the Ivy League bleh bleh, if anything, this was a turn off. I wanted to bring the jewels of what I have learned from my TEACHERS who are my clients to them, to remind them of what is needed, what is important. Not the name or the degree, but the simple basic needs that we all miss in the drive to do what we think is important.

I had always wanted to work at a University or College and be a counselor. It's just a thriving community. I thrive in community. Ever since I was recruited by my own college counselor to be a Resident Advisor. I just knew I wanted her job. So this was big. big. big.

Cornell is just beautiful. Ithaca is dreamy. Small but big enough, liberal but diverse, multi cultural, co-ops health food stores yoga studios dance places thai food small art movie houses rolling hills gorgeous anciet buildings next to newer modern architecture clean air lakes lakes gorges water falls commuity gardens vineyards affordable housing..... I could go on and on.

Basically everything I have been manifesting that I need to come into my life. It's still hard to wrap around my brain... And then nothing. I heard nothing for four weeks. I didn't write about it because I am superstitious.

They had one more candidate after me to interview. Three in all. Three after months and months of advertising. Three. For a few weeks (now months since I have applied) I have been in limbo land. Literally. Do I plan my life here for a while? Join a gym? Start dating someone here?Or do I look for apartments in Ithaca. Get the moving vans ready.

Total stand still emotionally, trying to be in my new job in my new life yet maybe knowing I am moving into something else. See-Saw See-Saw. Indecision is deadly with a Virgo Intellect. Not knowing is our poison. We are planners. Do-ers. Knowers. It's been a challenge. But all in all I have been breezy and doing my thing. Phew.

All I have to say is that I am a very patient girl. I am really hungry to dig into this life of mine. I am present and living my life as it is now, but looking forward to manifest in ways that arn't about Jersey. As Jess says I am an Oak living a birds life. I need to nest. But where, but where, the journey continues.

I learned yesterday that I will not be going to Ithaca.

It was interesting timing.

I was having a day where I really felt like my job here is gonna be ok .At first when I was on the phone with the Director telling me they selected someone else, I was in shock. I was also really strung out on a dare to drink a Diet Mountain Dew (I am the health nut in the office and it was a dare, I felt like my clients all strung out...

I really thought this was it. Really I did. Last week though I started feelin like it wasn't gonna happen. And I know why it didn't. In terms of the team, they are trying to build up their diversity, Cornell is all about diversity right now, and even though I have been called "cocoa", I am still one more white girl in a field flooded with them. The director all but outed himself in telling me why I couldn't be there. " You are amazing and we thought your presentation was incredible, you are an excellent clinician" blah blah blah.

I understand this. I believe in the reasons why it is necessary to have a multicultural team. I would've done the same thing in their position, and I have in hiring in the past. But it still stings... I am frustrated that I put so much time and energy into manifesting this. I know I know, I already know what you are gonna say. "What a good experience" or "well, now you know what you really want". Thats all great n shit n thanks, but really I wonder why I put myself through these emotional gymastics to begin with.

Part of me is relieved though. The cold, the grey, of Ithaca. The suicide capital of the world. Not being able to be super compassionate to the Ivy league snobs. The whole frat element I have been avoiding foreva. ETc Etc Etc. This is what I am tellingmyself anyway.

I am grateful for my surprisingly good attitude though. I was having a day where I really felt like my job here is gonna be ok. Finally getting it. I didn't know if I would or not. For a while I didn't let myself thinking I might be moving on. But now it's good. Really liking the people, the commute is better. I can see Manhattan from my window. In my groove. I am here, for now.

I love my home. I love being able to leave my door open and have a walk around the lake and wear a skirt without remorse. I love that my Mom and brother can just stop over for dinner. Love spending time with Presley and having parking and I'm getting really good at shooting quarters into the toll booth. It's good stuff.

Then there's my fight or flight, ready to go back to SF. My mom said last night "Well, whats keeping us all here, lets go to California!". Are you shitting me? So see, there are a world of possiblilities. I am yearning for Omega too. It's a strong itch.

So yes, my wings are still on. And I am still trying to be patient and figure out where in the world I am supposed to be, while trying to be content and full where I actually am.

This is the gypsy way ~this, I am used to.