Transformation

Was on the phone till four am last night
with my ex Chris
It was a really good conversation
We usually have these, but not so much lately
Taking space, healing, and I wonder how much "ex's" should be friends
So I have been wondering about his HUGE Transformation
From completely wounded, shattered, and destroyed per his report
To being very actualized, happy, and clear about mostly everything
He has even been setting boundaries with me
A first in our relationship as beings
Sooooo...
He has been puttering around telling me of this Transformation
And I, ever so curious about the human nature
Especially of one I have been very intimate with
Has been pushing the story
Turns out
He claims it has a lot to do with me
First, taking the time to "put my shit down" and give him time in a thoughtful and compassionate way as I did on one particularly dark day
Which he claims no one who has ever hurt him has done
The other part
is what he has learned

From reading this blog

say that again?

From reading this blog

I didn't even know he knew about it

Whooosh Splat Humina Humina say that again?

So turns out that what I thought were my intimate thoughts that I have chronicled as a journal in my own transformation and healing, he has had complete and total access to. Some of these thoughts were about him too. Also things not about him that I really didn't care to have him know, mostly because of the pain that it might have caused him. I have such mixed feelings about this. He tells me (sorry for outing you Chris, but this is my blawg, and I'm gonna use it!) that it was actually knowing these things that helped him. Not only did he learn about forgiveness here (from a ritual I wrote about early on) (he always nurtured and understood that part of me) but he also could see more that wordsthat I HAD MOVED ON. He got that reality through my writing. He received a lot of peace through this. A lot of clarity. Hmmmm.

First thoughts? How did he find it? Wasn't super clear about that. He went into a long explaination about his huge transformation, and ultimately is receiving everything now that I have ever wanted for him. A relief. Hallelujah! But I kept thinking... you read my blog? Why can't I get over that?

So, it had a hard but important impact on him. And in the end I walk away with this. This is what is important to me right now. If this blawg, my writing, my being, my thoughts, my pictures, my silliness, have any kinda impact on anyone, especially positive, then I have to be happy with that. I write for me. I write to document and explore this incredibly frightening and exuberant transformation I am embarking on at this juncture in my life. Do I care if you read it? Do I care if strangers from Canada read it? Do I care if my ex boyfriends read it? I guess I do. But I hope they get something from it, cause I sure as hell do, and I hope in the end, it is postitive. That is my hope. I am a very private person for the most part so it is kinda contrary to who I am to even put any of this out there, but isn't this why I started this? To challenge myself and to let others know me, as well as find my own voice in this discovery?

So yes Chris, you can still read this. Thank you for finally sharing with me what you knew. I am glad it helped. I don't know that I want you commenting and participating too much in it, but sure, if you continue to get something from it, have at it buddy. Mostly I am thankful for your transformation, my transformation. and also, our transformation. Isn't this why beings connect to begin with? For hopes that we learn and explore things from/with each other? I am glad that you can talk about that other lady, and glad that you know about my stuff too. I am glad that we are finally in a place where we are ok. I am thankful. It's a good start.