I'm no angel

It was all I could do to just let the tears roll down my face.
It was just an incredibly emotional day of listening to seven families in a row tell of their tragic tales and how messed up everyone is after it all. And i'm just sitting here thinking " who am I to think I can help anyone?". I was actually relieved to finally be crying. How could I be a person who sits in a room all day hearing of the darkest hardest secrets in a persons life not have some emotion about it? As a therapist doing this for years I have trained myself to have clinical skills, coping skills, rituals to leave it behind. And there I was bawling in the bathroom stall with the puke pink walls and fake flowers all around. "Country Kitch" is the look they are going for in the drab and dismal attempt to cheer this place up i guess. I know its cause its unnatural to have as many clients as they are asking us to have with no break in a forty five minute session four days a week with no support and very little pay. I know this. And wow was I feeling it.

Every morning I glide down the mountain top and put the angels around my car. I learned this trick as one of my grounding rituals, and as I have had a particularly hard time around the mountain feeling safe with all the deer and icy patches and swirly curves, I thought this would help. I look to my right and there is the reservoir and I look forward to my day, being a safe place for these kids to land. I have come into a deeper practice of asking for help, a lot of it, from the universe, the angels, god, what ever will do, when I get stuck in the room and need it to turn to being a session of what it needs to be. What I want to acknowledge is that they are there for me too. I know this... and here is a reminder of how.

Last night, I was disillusioned, burned out even. I know I can do good work. But at what cost sometimes? The amount they are asking of me is too much with very little compensation. I get a world of good from the love of these kids. I do. And my personal boundaries tell me it is too much to ask of me to have seven clients in a row every day. I had had enough. Scott saw it with me on the couch as I was watching "Grey's Anatomy" last night after my crying spell telling him I want to be a bean counter or a telemarketer. The whole show was about faith, and boy, did I need that. Cried through the whole thing I did. Wow I needed that reminder. Faith, hmm. I could sit with that. Faith that I do what I can. Faith that I am where I am to be for now. Faith that I will enlist proper support and receive what I need. Faith. good. thanks ABC television, I needed that. It comes from the weirdest places sometimes...

And then I move to open my junk email on my hotmail account, and there it is. The news I have been waiting for. The interview I have wanted for over two years, on Tuesday, and did I change my phone number because they have been trying to find me....

ps thanks to Katia who reminded me in her post about the site that it was a new moon in capricorn on tuesday where I learned the phrase "in your patience is your soul." http://www.mooncircles.com/newmoon_pythia.html