Riding it out

Noticing how I only want to write and put it here
if it's good or useful or sentimental
I have to put this down here
and it's painful
I am having a really hard week
As of a half hour ago I wanted to start smoking again
Started looking for apartments on Craigs list in San Francisco
Is it too late to change my mind?
Doubt has crept in again
Facing some bullshit with my family, the type that creates fear and makes me doubt
Basically I asked for help from them and of course it turns into this huge thing
And I wonder why I don't ever ask for anything
Duh
I really am super self sufficient
This was more emotionally symbolic
Makes me wonder why I need to go back at all
When I have such a supportive incredible family here
One that I have chosen and has chosen me and fulfills me to no end
One that just gets me, no explanations
Am I just being sentimental? Craving change? Would I get the same amount of satisfaction from just moving out of my apartment? Why do I need to move to the other side of the country to do this work?
Is it too late to change my mind? Or do I just do Omega anyway
I know this is what I have to do
But right now I don't want to
I haven't been productive at all the past two weeks
On a stand still
Stuck....Paralyzed Actually
Had to say good bye to some of my clients this week
very difficult
One was in the hospital, after being raped
This has become a typical day for me
Are you kidding me?
This is very emotional
I am very vulnerable
Wanting to hide out
My back is spazzing out
People around me are having a very hard time as well
And then I let him back in
Because he is amazing
But I have to look at my patterns
He is right
And now I have to ride it out....